Written during Silent Reading time today...
Barbara said in class: "The way to improve students' self esteem is to be really specific about their strengths; avoid language like "good" and "smart"
Why is it that come kids don't listen or know what is going on in class? What are they thinking about? I would feel better if they were day-dreaming about fun and exploratory things, but it is more likely they are thinking about home life, social life, or cruel sick jokes.
On another topic:
It is fine for students to be different (in dress or likes/dislikes), I even encourage it, but they need to know they are doing that and own their identity as such. Problems occur when students don't realize that they wear clothes or do things that others think are silly and they fine out in a harsh manner with much embarrassment. This is where feeling unaccepted often leads to conformity (out of survival, really). But if a student knows they are different and owns that characteristic they can stay strong. Unfortunately I feel like everyone wants to be accepted and so I'm not sure if it is possible to go through secondary education unscathed. I'm sure everyone can remember the terrible feeling when you realize that you are the only one wearing sneakers when everyone else is in sandals or you are the only one in a t-shirt and jeans when everyone else is in shorts. I can certainly remember almost feeling sick and wanting to run back into my closet to find anything better.
But then again, how can people help young people make the decision not to conform and hold to their identity of dress, etc?? If you just ask them if they understand that they look strange to others and want to stay strong, it is still embarrassing because you are still someone giving them the raw truth that they won't fit in. It almost has nothing to do with knowing about how your actual characteristics are viewed and more to do with general self esteem. But not entirely.
There is still that time of coming into self awareness and the awareness of our surroundings. There still is that point of going from just hearing "some people treat others unfairly because of how they look or what they do" to seeing and feeling the sharp painful reality of injustice, bullying, social status, and our "place" in the world. Everyone has to go through that process and decide what to do about our characteristics that we can change and how to live with the ones we can't change.
But how can we help teenagers understand how they appear to others and the choices they have to make about their identity before the wind gets knocked out of them by their peers? Is it possible to save them or help them? Would any teen want to dress as they always have if they were told by a trusted adult "people are going to laugh at you and you need to decide what you are going to do about that and if you want to change?" I have no answers...I need feedback.
I am soooooo tired.
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8 comments:
funny that you should talk about these things today. in our ed media theory class, which is really media theory, we were looking at a blog of kevin sites, talking about media and trying to think education in this realm. the thing with kevin sites is that he is now part of stripped down, Yahoo news, etc war something or other (available here) and it got me thinking...check out the links before continuing to read this. naturally i feel inclined to distrust media, even liberal left commie bullshit media, whatever. and i made this connection with the protest shirt of my own design (no blood for oil...even though its a token phrase i put it on a shirt that i made) that i happened to be wearing today. so anyway, wow, this is long, i generally feel insecure when wearing the shirt, i'm making a statement, its true...so anyway, today i realized that i was insecure about the shirt, i didn't feel comfortable with it on, etc etc etc....and i realized that i often feel that way...and i felt that way even more when i was a kid. but then i realized something else, making that shirt came out of certain mindset, a certain inspiration, a certain emotion and feeling that i felt i had to communicate. and for that reason, and after accepting that to be the case i felt more ok about the shirt, in a weird sense it is an extention of myself...an outward expression of my mind. i wish that kids could grasp this mindset, in it is comfort, either that or they need to start creating there own shirts, clothing etc. i dunno, i'm rambling like a madman.
It is so true. The mindset that our clothes are an extension of ourselves would help in this context...it hits on responsibility and owning what you wear. I like it.
Yeah, we should just make our kids wear only clothes that they make. Saves money! :-)
i wholeheartedly agree!
I like that..what if a school had a policy that everyone wore T shirts that they made..providing the tools and skills needed to make them and to think carefully about what they wanted theirs to look like, say, express, etc. That way everyone would have to consciously think about it and hopefully kids would be more apt to respect each other's shirts b/c each person would be approaching it with a sense of vulnerability? Hmmmmmmm....New kind of School Uniform..."consciously designed, individualized uniforms." Maybe one day per week would work anyway.....
I think that sometimes teenagers need to feel as though they look ridiculous or stand out from the crowd.
I went to parochial school as a child and had to wear the whole navy blue jumper with kneesocks and a white shirt thing. I never felt as though my identity was compromised by that- I was so much more than my clothes, and besides, my best friend had hair down to her behind, and I was jealous of that instead of being jealous of someone's Limited Too sweater.
In fifth grade I started at public school and went through maybe one year where I wanted to look like everyone else, but sometime was always a little bit different.
Then high school hit. And the style storm began. My god. My mother TOLD me I looked ridiculous, and I knew I did too, but that was the whole point. Orange bell bottoms, a black wardrobe, shockingly blue eyeliner, wearing braids and bandannas and once even a long black velvet evening gown to school with converse sneakers and a flower in my hair. Once I cut my hair off with craft scizzors in the middle of the night. I don't regret it.
In college things calmed down a bit because I ran out of time and laundry, and at UMASS there was nothing to rebel against. I never stood out. There was always someone prettier, uglier, taller, shorter, or stranger looking than me. I played with my hair- dyed it, curled it, straightened it, shaved it, dyed it some more, but my clothes almost became a uniform- hooded sweatshirt, t-shirt, jeans, sneakers.
And so back to the uniform.
Now, beyond school, my clothes have again become important. I have to look official. Put together, in charge, polished, detail oriented, friendly, smart, and older-
However, through all of this, I need to give things a twist. Kids do have a personal style (at least most of them do) that does and will carry through. I don't feel the need to make the loud style statements I once made. Infact, they even make me feel weird. Now, I want tattoos, which I can get and hide at work, and piercings, which are a bit more complicated, because there isn't really anything invisible I want to pierce.
Where am I going with this? I don't remember.
Oh, wait yes I do. In the end, peopledress to please themselves. That is what I have understood about clothes. you can't perform, or do anything, if you feel ugly or uncomfortable. Even in tapered jeans. Even though tapered jeans should be outlawed. Even though my favorite show on television is what not to wear. If you can only be an effective person in tapered jeans and a mullet, or in a mohawk and spikes, well, just do it.
Most kids grow out of it on their own, anyway, through natural progression.
Alexia, are you trying to say that you never felt embarassed by what you were wearing at any given time and never felt insecure as a result, or just that it didn't hit you too hard in secondary school and you just grew out of it???? I mean I don't think it's fair to say that all kids don't feel awkward and don't shape their identity around other people's opinions...and then get confused because of it. I've read enough Ophelia Speaks and Reviving Ophelia to know that's not entirely true. So what do you do about that??
yeah... true that just maybe everyone is not as independent about it as Alexia who, as I see it, has a tons of spirit and seems pretty darn OK about being herself, even in the uniqueness...even when it is different..which since I met Alexia, has reminded me a bit of someone else I know... um... yeah... someone who liked to be (even a bit??) non confromist, at least here and there, and hated it when others imitated her creativity b/c that ruined everything and meant she had to find some other way to express her uniquness...but, then, perhaps I am just into revisionist history... anyway....most (??) but clearly not all.... kids seem to need to dress in a way that fits in with some group that they want to feel a part of or accepted by.Sometimes that gorup is the rebellous gorup, but alos it is stilla group. Some peopel jst ownat to be an individual but I htink that is rarer among adolescents, in our culture anyway. Anywho, I think having kids consciously think about what statements they want to make and put on their body and then create the T-shirts or clothing, would be a cool exercise to try. I hope you guys try it some where, some time. Great blog guys :-)
Yes, I own Reviving Ophelia and Ophelia Speaks, which of course is written by a girl from Amherst. And yes, not everybody is as self confident as I am about their appearance. But it is also more than just confidence. It is an atmostphere. It is parents who tell you that the trendy clothes are too expensive and that in six months you won't like them anymore so no, they won't buy you the $50 sweater and that's just too bad if you want it. And yes, most teenagers do experience a crippling period of self-consciousness which I missed somehow in secondary school. I hated the people who all listened to Dave Matthews and wore Abercrombie and Fitch clothes. And in high school I NEVER felt self conscious about what I was wearing. Seriously. It's just costume. I was too busy.
You should read The Body Project by Joan Jacob Brumberg and The Beauty Myth and Promiscuities by Naomi Wolf. Maybe that is why I didn't care about what I looked like in high school. I was reading The Feminine Mystique.
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